1.19.00

    I finally have reached the bottom of the SPAM barrel. I thought that the porn stuff was about as low as it could go but that's so ubiquitous in my Inbox that it doesn't even faze me anymore. All the junk mail I get for services offering me the exciting opportunity to spread junk mail is amusing in a rueful sort of way. Last night, however, I got the best one yet — an email advertising land in California. I blinked in disbelief for a few seconds before I howled in laughter.

    I've been thinking a little bit about things from my past life that I miss. Things which I pine for... ridiculously. The first two things are small and attainable. I miss being able to walk everywhere. I hate being tied to transportation and parking and all its associated hassles. I lived right off of campus in college and would walk everywhere. I'd walk to class, to buy my books, to parties at night. My friends and I would walk ridiculous distances to go to parties. Nothing better than huddling up against the rain and speedwalking home, slightly drunk more often than not, at 2 a.m. with friends, gabbing and laughing and trying to keep warm.

    The other small thing that I crave is a coffee shop. A real coffee shop to which I could walk. Not a Starbucks. Not a Coffee People. I'm not totally against those establishments but they are so cold and boring. I want something cute with nooks to nestle in with a book. I miss hiding out at coffee shops. There was a place down by where I used to live in college that was open all night. (It's not anymore.) I used to study there. All hours. Good place to get a toasted bagel, a couple dozen cups of coffee, and some quiet. And, if the book-learnin' got too tedious there was always a steady stream of Eugene-ite weirdos to take your mind off things.

    I guess it all boils down to missing college life. I think I spent my time in college wisely. I did a little bit of everything. I grew. I learned. I got my little degree. But, I miss it. Is there any other time of life that is like it? Can you ever go back? That's not to say that I would want to give up the life I have now to be a lay-about, perennial student. There is something to be said for wringing that part of your life dry and then moving on.

    Which brings me to my third flight of fancy. It's for something that if I had to trade something equal in value I wouldn't do it. It's more a state of mind that I'm after than a state of reality. It's a cake-and-eat-it-too thing. What it is is a wish to be single again.

    What do you think of that?

    I think that I miss being responsible for me and only me. Granted, I say that and the practical part of me says that a person is hardly ever only responsible for only themselves. All the big decisions usually affect someone else. Now, though, my decisions really unquestionably affect another person. And, sometimes, I just want to make a really big mistake and just throw my life for a whirl. The practical, angel-chick sitting on my left shoulder just rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, right."

    Is it possible to want to be single while being madly in love? I could probably figure out a way to get single again if I really put my mind to it. But, that's not how I want things to go either. It's not a want at all. It's a fancy, a whim, a misfiring neuron. It's probably a very stupid thing.

    T. and I were listening to Etta James in the car the other day. "At Last" was playing which is one of my favorite songs from her. I told T. that I thought it was really a sad song. See, she's singing about finally being with her love and in love and while the lyrics seem pretty happy, the music is very sad. I told T. she is mourning the loss of herself. As I recall, T's summation of my interpretation was that it was depressing.

    You have to lose something when you fall in love. If you don't, you're probably not doing it right. You don't have to give up your prized identity but you have to give up something. It's usually something small that sort of trickles away. I would guess it's the way that you are when you're alone that gets lost. When you're with someone all the time you start thinking alike, finishing sentences, having the same thoughts. T. and I have even dreamed eerily-similar dreams. There's a synchronicity that developes that can be comforting and, at times, a lot of fun but it's certainly at the expense of your single self.

    Maybe I should write a book: How to Love and Care For Your Inner Single Chick. It's probably already been written.

    I've been having that feeling again. In addition to wishing for silly things, I've been feeling like I'm in a rut. Only a neurotic freak like myself would find a good job with great coworkers and decent pay, a healthy and fulfilling love life, and exciting prospects on the horizon to be the defining characteristics of a rut. And, my inner most desperate feeling when I get into a rut is to run away. It's the vestiges of a youth spent in a military family. I moved often — not as much as some families but more than others. Of course, I've never really entertained this occasional and driving urge of mine to flee. Life has taken care of that for me by sending me to L.A. and then back up here to Portland. But, I had a minor revelation today as I was pondering my probably-fleeting depression: if I could go, would I? The answer is, sadly, no.

    The reason why I can't just pack up and go is because I'm not really equipped for that. Growing up, if I hated wherever I was I just had to wait a little while and things would change... whether I liked it or not. Now I have the control but I don't really have a mechanism for doing anything about it. It's kind of a sobering realization. If I didn't have someone or something making me up and go I don't think I could do it. I couldn't follow my whim. Although, for a military brat with the itch to hit the road it's probably for the best that I have this built-in halt mechanism. I don't live out of suitcases well.