2.25.99

    BzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz.

    - pause -

    *thump*thump*thump*

    BzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz.

    - pause -

    Zzzzzzup. ZZzzzzup. Zup. zup.

    *thump*thump* WHACK!

    My neighbors are apparently doing some home improvements. They've been hammering and hacking and swearing at our adjoining wall for two days now. There's a sawhorse in front of my door and they're cutting up 2x4s with a rotating saw. Bastards.

    It's amazing how much in life I want to just be left alone. Unpestered. Unannoyed. I am a social person but when I need to be left alone I really like to be left alone. I harbor no charitable feelings towards strangers on the street who approach me seeking change, a smile, a conversation, a freak-out. I hate hearing or even seeing my neighbors for the most part. If I didn't live so close to them I'd probably like them more. As it is their every movement grinds on my last nerve. Their children scream and yell. Their older, thug, tourettes-suffering son brings over his high-school friends to carve up our communal picnic table with words like "jonez" and "fukt." The overweight mother likes to honk her car horn to get the family moving. So considerate.

    What do you do when you're unhappy with your station in life? Do you make it better or do you leave? If the station sucks why not buy a ticket for something further down the road. At least if that place sucks it will at least suck differently. If the cause of the problem lives at home, in the brain and the body, what is there to do? You have to make that better. There's no choice in that. It can be a struggle though, can't it? I mean, we're talking about the meaning of life here, aren't we?

    I've been thinking about the Meaning of Life quite a bit lately. It's not something that you think about when everything is going your way. I've been trying to decide if I'm biding my time here or if I'm really doing something. And, can I even decide if I'm really doing something or not? Can I tell the difference between biding my time and getting things done?

    I firmly believe that we're all on a fixed one-way ticket. It is what is at the end of the line that baffles me. Does it have meaning? Will I have to justify the many hours spent watching Party of Five and Ally McBeal? Probably. We should all be forced to justify that. Perhaps I'll be applauded for taking the day off and going to the beach with a blank notepad and a bottle of Mr. Bubbles®. Although, the one thing I won't expect at the end of the line is a round of applause in any form.

    Do you know where you come from?

    I'm not entirely sure where I come from. If you were born and raised by the people that you still call parents today maybe you think that question is a bit ridiculous. I find myself as an outsider in almost every situation I am in. I'm an outsider in my family, an outsider among my closest friends, an outsider among my peers. It's a strange feeling. It's one which I've come to ignore in order to make it through each day. How important is it to belong anyway?

    There's this spoken word piece they've been playing on the radio quite a bit lately. The artist is Baz Luhrman and the piece is about life and advice and things learned. It's excellent and I seem to remember that it's the spoken version of a Washington Post column but I don't really know. Listening to it this morning on the way to work made me feel really small and selfish and a bit angry at myself. Though the piece is quite uplifting in its way. It basically says that we spend too much time and energy trying to work out the inane stuff when we should just drop it. Not a new idea but a good one to be reminded of on a daily basis I suppose.

    Inner peace. Is that something I should be wanting at age 23?

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