10.29.99

    This week has been fairly decent though I haven't managed to go to the gym at all. I can't wait for Daylight Savings Time. Of course, the "extra" hour of sunlight will be gone shortly but maybe it'll kick my butt in gear for another week.

    The Oregon winter is really setting in. I'm not ready for it. As much as I love the Pacific Northwest, its winters leave something to be desired. I can't wait for December to roll around when we're going up to my parent's house for New Years. They live in the mountains and have snow and a Jacuzzi and a creek. It's going to be amazing. Snow, snow, snow. Wheee!

    On Wednesday, we had a work-related designer's meeting at some pub up the street. Beer and nachos on the company tab; I'm not complaining. So, we all got liquored up and kvetched about the company and it was all wonderfully delightful to vent spleen for an hour (or more). Most of us are in the awkward position of really liking the company and the employees and the general atmosphere while feeling frustrated with what appears to be a lack of vision among the drivers of this thing. Although I think you could have worse problems than having employees interested in the future of your company. After all, if we hated it, we wouldn't care.

    The essential problem, as we see it, is that the company's only definable motivations seem to be: a) make money, and b) provide good service. Making money, however, is not a unique goal. Everyone wants to make money. If that's all this company wants to do then we should just make assembly-line widgets and be done with it. And, while I'm fully behind offering a good service to our clients its not something that differentiates us. Anyone can say they provide good service. Service is an intangible thing. It's something that has to be proven but until you have the chance to prove it, it doesn't exist. It can sustain work and bring you good word of mouth but I'm not confident that it will bring in new clients from the cold. Which is what we want to do.

    At least, there's a lot of lip service to wanting new clients. However, the powers that be may or may not give a damn. If they're making money perhaps it's not important. What is important is that us peons, the workers, don't have a clue what they're thinking. This doesn't sit well since the kind of worker the company has brought in isn't a drone.

    This isn't an ultimatum but I believe in change and challenges. I'm fearful, perhaps prematurely, that there won't be enough challenge. If there is no challenge in this workplace then I feel I either need to sit tight and plan to be an employee here for the rest of life, find the challenge externally and on my own time, or look elsewhere for employment. But then, like I said, it's not an ultimatum. I like it here. I'm eager for it to be more, though. I see potential that yearns to be tapped. And, okay, I'm not very patient. And, I'm fully aware that each idea that springs from my head is gold. If I ran the world... blah, blah, blah.

    What's great about these little company get-togethers is that we get to know each other a little better and I also find that I like my coworkers more. There's some humor in this here office that doesn't get always get tapped in email exchanges. It's energizing. Of course, then I get to hear what they think about me. One of my supervisors asked what rude comment I was going to come up with next. So, I asked him, "Am I the 'rude comment' girl?" He waffled a bit on that. My problem is that I can be too blunt with people and also too hyperbolic. Things are more funny when they can be exaggerated. I can say "Jack bugged me" in a way that might possibly make you think that I not only think that Jack is the anti-Christ who must be destroyed but also that he should be dragged around the city by his ridiculous hair and forcefully ejected from those frightening, acid-washed jeans of his, I mean, my God!, the 80s have been punished enough already!

    I only do it cause you're laughing. I'm much better than I used to be, though. I can temper myself a little more. Really.

    Of course, the other thing is the blunt thing. I feel like people should be able to handle the truth. I feel like I should be able to have my own opinion without suffering because it differs with another's. I feel like I have a right to stick up for myself. Thus, I have ended up in situations where my neck is stuck way out, saying things that others won't, and I end up taking the axe for it. There's always those people who tell my privately that they believe in me and what I'm trying to do. While it's nice to hear, it don't cut the mustard.

    Leaving L.A., I had a harrowing head-to-head entanglement with a girl who the president of Webgrrls Los Angeles had given my volunteer/elected position to without informing me. (Of course, she denies that that's how it went down.) The new girl had a few ideas about what to do with the site. I disagreed with those ideas which triggered an out and out snot war with her against me. It got nasty. It made me sick to my stomach. Not surprising, not one person who I'd been working with on WGLA for almost eight months stood up for me. Of course, several key players in the debacle wrote me privately to tell me that they could silently support me but couldn't stand up publicly for whatever reason. People should understand that these are hollow gestures.

    Of course, it's probably my penchant for bluntness that led me towards pursuing a journalism degree in college. After all, no one hears "You didn't hear this from me" more than journalists and politicians. Ugh. When I wrote for the Oregon Commentator (a conservative rag) we'd hear that all the time. There were many nights where the staff sat back, rolling with laughter, recounting incidences of being approached in dark alleys by student government liberals and professors reeling against the status quo to tell us some awful thing... off the record, of course.

    What was I talking about, anyway? Lord, you people get me side-tracked. Moving on....

    I saw three V-formations of geese heading South this morning. I actually had to get my bearing to determine that they were indeed headed in a southerly direction. It's one of those things that I grew up hearing and one of those indisputable facts by virtue of repitition but I don't think I've actually seen geese head South. I've seen the formations but it never occurred to me to recognize their trajectory. Amazing, really. How do they know where South is? Why do they return North for the summer? How come this spot isn't South? It could be. Perhaps they're from Canada.

    And, lastly, I revamped the Roethke pages. Gave 'em a better look since that last design was so very, very old. It was the first and last thing of usefullness on this site. I love getting email about it, though. Any fan of Roethke is a friend of mine.