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    Oh God. Beautiful rain. Coming down in grey sheets. The shoosh of the tires through puddles. The muted sounds. The weighted and dripping trees. Cold, cold water.

    I don't know why I love the rain so much. It helps soothe my soul. It gives me the chance for quiet contemplation. It seems more real to me than the sun. I think that's why I loved the Oregon Coast so much. Frequently, it's dark and chilly and the waves crash against jaggedy rocks. That's real. That's the kind of atmosphere that reminds me of me. I'm so rarely sunny and blue skies and puffy white clouds and sparkles and shiny.

    In my mind I've already left for the Pacific Northwest. Circumstances might take me elsewhere but eventually I'll be back up there. It's amusing really. I was born in Seattle but I was also adopted in Seattle by a military family. We left Washington when I was around three, I think, and never went back. I travelled a good part of this side of the world until I somehow ended up at the University of Oregon. I visited my grandfather in Seattle several times until his death. Now I want to go there. Is it something in my blood?

    I feel like I'm betraying L.A. by not wanting to be here. I suppose that it has something to do with the fact that this move was actually my choice. Moving to Oregon was a choice of sorts but I was so occupied for four years that I didn't get the chance to dislike it. If T. hadn't gotten such an amazing job down here we would have never come. But, it was my choice to come here. I wanted and needed to be with him. So, I guess I feel the need to make it up to myself for not liking it here. After all, every other place I didn't like could be blamed on the Air Force.

    The end result here is that I need to make the choice to move somewhere else. And that choice requires that I hunt for a job in that area. And that means that I have to make the choice to stick my neck out, hold myself up for rejection and start putting out resumes. I don't know what I'm more scared of, taking control of my life or staying here.