1.14.99

    I'm downloading a thirty-day version of Norton Anti-Virus. All 12 megs of it. Everyday, it seems, the innards of my computer get more and more twisted. I'm a bad computer owner. I'm not much of a troubleshooter when it comes to these things. I make web pages. I fiddle with graphics. I agonize over my resume and send email to people I'll never meet. I only halfway care about the hows and whys that make my computer able to do this. When my computer doesn't want to do these things I'm left to wring my hands and try New Age psychobabble.

    [ No, you don't have a virus. You're simply feeling misunderstood. Take two prozac and dial-up in the morning. ]

    Right now it is refusing to unlock my email. I use Netscape 4.05's Messenger mailbox. It was working fine at noon as I was going through and discarding job posts and setting aside those that I will respond to this weekend. I shut down my computer and disconnected the Zip drive and connected in its place the printer. (Yes, I know I can run the drive through my printer but it's a long story so don't ask.) I rebooted and reconnected to the internet. I click on my cute little icon for mail and up pops my inbox. "Loading summary file..." it says with a little status bar. Normal. Until it gets to 79% whereupon it just hangs. Forever. I have to ctrl-alt-delete to close it down. While it's hanging there I can't browse but I can use my other programs.

    [ What's wrong, puddin'? You were doing so well earlier today. Don't feel threatened by my job hunt. No matter how much money I make I'll never upgrade. You're my baby. You know that. Now let me at my job files. C'mon, sweetie, you know you want to. ]

    So, I call up my tech support guy, Carl. We talk for a long time and dish all the dirt that can be dished. The best thing that came out of my stint at National was Carl. What a cool guy. I explain my problem and he has me check a few things. All nada. I think he uses IE more than Netscape. He suggests that I run a scandisk and a defrag and then save my user file on a disk. If none of those things work then I should uninstall Netscape and download it again. Blech. I know these things have to be done from time to time but I'm on a dial-up and it will be irritating to download it again. But, I can't be without my email. I mean, I'm a serious collector. I can't abandon all 3000+ messages just like that. (That number is no hyperbole either.)

    [ I know you saw me checking out those colorful iMacs the other day but they mean nothing to me. They just made me appreciate your flat, grey box just that much more. Tangerine?! For a computer?! Who're they kidding? ]

    I tried to buy a version of Norton but their credit card thing wouldn't take. I was using a debit card, for pete's sake, and there's no reason why it shouldn't work. Unless, of course, if it has something to do with what a complete, fascist bastard Wells Fargo is. I blame Wells Fargo for every problem I have with this damn card because, frankly, it is their problem. They charged me an overdraft fee because there was an hour between a withdrawal and when they credited my account for a check. Of course, nowhere on my statement was it evident where the negative balance was because THERE WASN'T ONE! They're still screwing me for it, though. Fascist, pinko bastards.

    [ No, no! Not you, muffin-pie. You're the best. ]

    So, if the Anti-Virus does nothing for me then I guess I'll have to do the uninstall/reinstall thing. But, what if doesn't work? What if I'm never able to access that mail again? I don't keep it on the server; I keep it on my hard drive. Eep. And if it doesn't work then I'll have to introduce my computer to a Louisville Slugger.

    [ You hear that? ]