12.10.98

    I bought a copy of Los Angeles magazine the other day to read while doing laundry. I hate going to the laundromat, by the way, because it's a dollar per wash and at least $.75 per dry. Plus there's all the kids running around and, more often than not, the T.V. is tuned to a Spanish talent contest. I swear that everytime I skim across the Spanish stations I find one of three things: game shows, soap operas or talent contests. Ugh.

    Speaking of television from other countries. T. and I found a great cooking show on one of the Japanese stations. It's called the Iron Chef and it pits an outsider chef against the Iron Chef. The English subtitles are great. "These plates are feeling very lucky to be a part of this food presentation." I don't know if it's on anymore because we haven't seen it in awhile.

    The Japanese seem very fond of spoofs and Candid Camera type things. If you ever catch one of these shows they'll do things like secretly videotape a guy going into a liquor store with an Uzi. Everyone screams and then water comes out of the gun and it is revealed to be a joke. Then they do interviews with laughing but breathless young ladies who clutch at their hearts over the exciting episode. My God, people. That's a little nuts.

    But, I digress.

    I bought a copy of Los Angeles magazine for the cover story "LA to Z: The hottest facts about the world's coolest city." Granted, I've been having a difficult time appreciating the coolness that must be so obvious to the other gazillion residents of this "city" but I'm trying. I can feign an interest in anything if I look at it historically. Los Angeles does have a lot of history to it with the added bonus of the completely plastic, fake-o undercurrent which gets my pop culture juices flowing.

    Two parts of it caught my eye and I thought I would share them with you.

LEFT ON RED Compulsory moving violation.

Los Angeles may favor the left in politics but not in traffic. Only 12 percent of the approximately 4,000 signals in the city have a left-turn arrow--found in abundance in nearly every other major American city--but some activate for buses only, and others are timed so sporadically as to actually deter people from turning left. Meanwhile, at congested intersections lacking left-turn signals (including the one at Santa Monica and Sepulveda overlooked by the offices of this magazine), rush-hour drivers regularly wait more than three minutes in the turn pocket before squeezing through on yellow (and then red). The L.A. Department of Transportation suggests that motorists reroute: Turn left at a less chaotic intersection or make three rights. "Sometimes adding left-turn signals would cause the overall intersection operation to get even worse," explains Brian Gallagher, an engineer in LADOT's signal timing and research section. "When you figure in the delay to each lane of approaching traffic, it may be better for everyone when the left turn suffers." -- D.S.

    I would like to say that once I leave this state I will never make fun of California drivers again. Well, not L.A. drivers, anyway. The way the traffic flows through this city requires its denizens to do strange and crazy thing with their automobiles. That left-hand turn thing is no joke and I regularly sit in intersections waiting for my light to turn red so that I can go. And, in L.A., you do not go just because the light has turned green. Ha, ha! It's very, very likely that there will be somebody still in the intersection or just now turning. This used to drive me nuts but it's a fact of life here and I'm sure to die in a fiery car crash sometime soon.

    I love the caring, concerned attitude that the L.A. Department of Transportation shows when being interviewed regarding left-turn signals. As if making three rights or trying the next turn is going to be any easier or safer. For a rush hour that begins in most parts of the city at 2 p.m. and ends at 8 or 9 p.m., there are very few alternatives. Maybe in next year's issue they'll uncover the real reason why LADOT can't keep stoplights in working order.

    No road rage here. No siree.

    Here's another fun tidbit about the insanities of living in L.A.:

BALCONY LAWN Makeshift backyard for dog owners without.

Hoping to make life more palatable for their canines, a growing number of apartment and condo dwellers have taken to putting mudless sod on their balconies. "For the most part, people don't want their whole balcony covered, just a corner," says Loy Norrix, whose company, Puppy Park, offers a sod pickup and delivery service, as well as low-profile boxes to hold the stuff. Started nearly two years ago, Puppy Park has dozens of clients, including several celebrities (Norrix won't name names, but the list once included Sinatra). Some customers even customize their little lawns. "During the World Cup," says Norrix, "people wanted me to make it look like a soccer field." He happily complied. --Matthew Segal

    You might think this is just an example of people with TMM syndrome (Too Much Money) but it's not just that. I've been amazed at the lack of a backyard for keeping pets. There's only one place that I go to that has a backyard but they don't let their dogs in it. The dogs have to stay in a pen where the grass has long since been rubbed away. Most places fill up the area with tennis courts, swimming pools and brick. They fill their front yards with horse poop and their backyards with cement.

    I can't imagine the poor dogs having to use those little sodded areas. Wouldn't they just stink to high heaven? Of course, the people that can afford "Puppy Park" probably have balconies the size of my apartment.

    Hmmm... a little grass in here would look nice.

    You can read the rest of the issue here.