12.1.98

    Remember how I told you about the manure in Beverly Hills? Well, there's manure in Brentwood, too. And now, there's manure on me.

    Confuscious say: Those that be possessed of puppies shalt not keep them in a freshly-manured back yard. The bastards.

    I had an especially rowdy group of dogs at the end of the day today. I have probably written about them before. They are three dogs who are kept in a pen out in the yard behind a lavish mansion in Brentwood. Two male Labradors who are generally good dogs and a mutt puppy that the family recently acquired who is an absolute terror. The terror's name is Lucy. If she's named after a famous Lucy then she would be Lucy Van Pelt and would yank that football right out from under you if given the chance. She's a black and white scraggly mutt and I call her the circus dog.

    She's about a foot tall but can jump straight up and be nose to nose with me at 5'4". She can walk on her hind legs for an entire block. She can do a 360 in mid-air. All of these things by themselves might be charming but imagine a dog doing all of these things while barking its head off, running around in circles and using your body as a springboard for more flips — it gets old. Real fast.

    If you let go of her in the yard she will never come back. Therefore, there's an entire process for dealing with this mutt. I arrive at the dog run where they are penned up. I reach through the gate and grab Lucy by her collar. This is a little intimidating because it seems like she might bite you. Meanwhile the two large Labradors are muscling for position in order to get out and get some attention. After I finally grab this yapping, snapping mongrel I open the gate and let the two Labs out. So, I have my arm through the gate holding the dog and I open the gate without letting the dog go but allowing the big dogs out and then have to shut it again. The first time I did this I didn't keep a handle on the gate and the dogs pushed it open and it smacked me in the head. The bruise has finally gone away. Then when I tried to close the gate Lucy became frantic and I ended up smashing my knuckle.

    Night. Mare.

    So, now the two Labs are out. These are actually very sweet dogs but they are pretty big. Drake is a black Lab and he's the biggest. He loves to jump up on you. There's nothing like 160 pounds of dog throwing itself at your chest. Oh, did I mention it's raining today? So, that's 160 pounds of wet dog with mud/manure on his paws throwing himself at your chest. Lovely. We're not done yet.

    Scout is the other Lab and is brown. Scout is a little sweetie. He's very meek and slow and likes to lick. Boy, does Scout like to lick. He has a huge tongue, too. The second time I walked them I was wearing shorts and Scout came up behind me while I was leashing Drake and gave me a huge lick on the back of my thigh. "Whoa!" I yelled and leapt about two feet in the air.

    After much hullabaloo they are both leashed and we're off. Thankfully, they are good healers and pretty much stay together and walk next to me without too much difficulty. Drake has "issues" with other dogs ever since a small dog ran up and bit him on the balls. That'd make me pretty wary, too. So, I have to watch out and not go to close to other dogs because he'll go nuts and it's hard to hold the two of them back.

    After the dogs and I got back from their walk Scout proceeded to wipe his wet face on my leg. Thanks, buddy.

    But, I'm not done yet. Lucy needs a walk and we have to go through the whole ordeal again in order to get her out of the pen. I have to leash her through the gate and scream at her to keep from jumping on me which doesn't seem to have much affect. Today she nipped at my pant leg which is so uncool. I simply won't let a dog bite me. That's uncalled for. Next time she does it she's getting a kick in the mouth.

    I came home smelling of wet dog with suspicious paw prints all over my jacket and jeans and with my sneakers going *squish*squish* at every step.

    You'd think that I would hate these dogs. I don't. I think Lucy is a royal pain in the rear and if she bites at me again I might hate her. I think the whole drama of retrieving from the pen is totally annoying. My overwhelming feeling, though, is sympathy. These dogs get little or no attention. Scout has arthritis in a hip and it's too bad they don't let him sleep indoors at night. Scout also has raw spots on his ears where the flies peck at him. Lucy will calm down if you pet her and give her some attention. Drake is just a big, cheerful lug. These people live in this big beautiful house and lavish their attention and money only on themselves and their little three-year-old boy who has more toys than I've ever seen in my life. Why do they even have these dogs?