9.30.98

    Well, I'm back to square one. That must have been my most short-lived job to date. However, I am happy for having it behind me now.

    It did inspire me to write the copy for my freelance page. I had been procrastinating because I couldn't find the marketing schmooze that I thought was necessary for that sort of thing. Instead, I just let it flow.

    Yesterday, after I wrapped up this job, I went out to apply for a real job. I picked up an application but I haven't filled it out yet. I'm pretty disappointed in myself. Living here has been an exercise in frustration. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself.

    I think I need to change directions. Maybe if I get a regular, every-guy, "no college diploma required" job then I can try some freelance writing. I can spend my spare time researching magazines and story ideas and write something. I don't know. Have you seen the ladder to success? Maybe you can point me towards it.

    There seem to be several ladders all around me but I can only see the first rung or two of each. The rest of the ladder is shrouded in clouds. However, even when I take a step onto the first rung I'm finding that I'm just standing there with my head in a fog.

    I feel like I am the only one going through this.

    After I picked up the job application I did a little shopping. It was nice to just be out and about. Most of the salespeople were nice to me for a change. My first stop was one of those little middle of the mall carts that has purses, hair clips and assorted janglies. I saw it one day on the way out of the mall and there was this perfect little black purse for $20. I've been meaning to go back and get it for weeks. I know I shouldn't buy anything but I really wanted it. It's sort of hexagonal and when you open it one panel sort of drops down. It has a braided handle and, well, it's really unique. I love it.

    Then I strolled over to Restoration Hardware. It's this chi-chi store that has all this really cool, random stuff. There's tiny, little hammers; expensive lamps; designer garden trowels; furniture and... all sorts of things for "home and garden." I wanted to buy something to send my parents as a housewarming gift. Apparently, the house is nearing completion and they are going to get to move in in a few weeks. I can't wait to see the place when it's done. I bought them two heavy, silver candle holders of different sizes. These are candle holders with the little saucer and ring on the side to put your finger through. I also got the cutest thing for the dog. It's a box of ingredients for baking up your own doggie bones. There's the cutest cookie-cutter fastened to the top in the shape of a bone.

    Further strolling revealed a Godiva Chocolatier tucked around an obscure corner. (Okay, I'm lying -- I knew it was there the whole time.) Two sirens lured me in with promises of chocolate euphoria and I purchased two truffles -- one almond praline truffle for myself and a milk chocolate truffle for T. I'm a binge shopper.

    I took off out of the mall with my purchases and an eerie sense of calm. I took my car, top down, and meandered through the neighborhood between the mall and my apartment. I looked at houses, I slowed down to "meow" at a pretty Siamese cat preening on the sidewalk (I really did), I pulled over to let tailgaters go around.

    There's this thing I like to do when I'm driving my car with the top down. Whenever I drive under a freeway, an overpass, I lean my head back and just stare at the underside of the freeway. For some reason it always freaks me out. Such a sudden, hard structure that can contain massive crashes and deaths and worry and fear but I just skitter under it with different cares.

    Last night, I had a friend over and we drank margaritas and talked about web design and getting jobs in L.A. and we smoked. Actually, you can read her thoughts on L.A. here. She's somebody that I met online and then she moved here and we like to drink together.

    I got drunk last night. Not sloppy drunk but enough to make things tilt a little. I had had a beer before she came over and then we had three margaritas each. After she left I had two more beers. I put on the late night talk shows and played online. I was up until 3 a.m. T. was in bed by 11 o'clock that night. I haven't done that in a long time. I just needed the quiet and the irresponsibility of it, I guess.

    A few other people that I know were up and online and it was fun to connect like that.

    I kind of felt like crap this morning, though.

    A rambling entry from a rambling mind.