9.1.98

    The voice: Female, Jewish, New Jersey whine

    The look: Big silver/white hair, harsh tan, bright makeup and an applique short-sleeve sweater, hot pants and white, slip-on shoes with plastic flowers.

    The scene: Check-out time at a Maui resort catering to the older set.

    The dialog: To no one in particular but she could be talking to her tagalong husband.

"Oy Vai! I can't wait to git outta here. All dis sunshine and air is driving me craazy. Where all all da cars and da buses?! It's ludicrous, I tell you. You cun haadly breathe for all the air. And the flowers! My gawd dey make my eyes jus watuh. An, if I see another coconut I'm just gunna screem! All that aloha and mahalo is driving me craazy. What duz it mean? Aloha dis and aloha dat. Hey -- mahalo dis, baby!!

"My back is kiiling me from walking on that hot, sticky sand. Why does it have to be so hot. My gawd. I think it gave me a barnacle on my foot! And, I im so siick of all the gawdawful watuhfalls aroun heuh. They make me gotta pee. Dat blue sky is givin me a rash. I look like a leathery cow. Oy Vai -- git me outta dis paradise -- it's driving me craazy!"

    T. and I were a little bummed about packing up and leaving Maui so on the way to the checkout desk I started in on this whining thing about how much paradise sucked. It made him laugh.

    It's bloody hot and I'm drinking tea. Twinning's English Breakfast Tea. Tea because there's no coffee. Well, there is coffee but there's no milk. I must have at least two spoonfulls of sugar and a healthy dose of milk or cream in my coffee. I like my coffee to be the consistency of chocolate milk. You'll never find me drinking decaf, though. What would be the point?

    I could go and get milk but that would require a shower and the shower is pretty dirty. It would require a shower because I feel gross. I have a layer of travel dirt on me and, like I said, it's bloody hot. The shower is dirty and the fridge is empty because we've been away for two weeks. It happens.

    There is beer in the fridge but that doesn't really make a good lunch. I'm still dizzy from weird altitudes and I still have the effects of dramamine on which is another story altogether. I fear if I drink beer I'll be out like a light.

    Anyway, if I take a shower and manage to find clean clothes I still have to get the car working. Geez, I haven't even checked on it; I wonder if it's still there. Before I left I disabled it so that the battery wouldn't drain and also so that a person couldn't start it up and drive it away. That would be messy and that would require going outside and probably finding a bra. A girl like me doesn't go work on cars without a bra.

    Oh, and the bras are still packed.

    I need food, this much is clear. Perhaps some microwaveable enchiladas?

    So, I've eaten. I feel a little better. I should take all that stream of consciousness out but I don't really feel like it right now. I think I can get some things done now.