8.10.98

    I feel so tired today. Last night the apartment was so hot that I could barely sleep. T. is known to be big on sweating while he sleeps (ick) but he was a river last night (double ick). Of course, I was not much better. Cooking always makes the apartment hot as the blazes but we baked anyway. T. made this delicious orange chicken. It was hot when we went to sleep and it didn't feel any cooler by morning. Summer can toddle off now.

    I liked it here when it was raining all the time. I think the two most favorite places that I have lived were England and Oregon. They are both on generally the same latitudes so they get fairly similar weather. England is greener than Oregon but I'm not sure why. I liked the rain. Not constantly, of course. Constant rain will make even the hardiest of souls depressed. Rain is good for cleaning, both indoors and outdoors, and is good for self-reflection. Sometimes, with the sun blazing and white, puffy clouds flying by it's hard to be calm and take in the gentleness of life.

    Life isn't really all that gentle, though, is it? You can be having the best day when life will jump up and kick you in the ass. Sometimes, I can't sleep for pondering over the way life can hurt. It wouldn't be real if it were easy. That's kind of a "dad" thing to say. Is it true? I don't know. I do know that rain makes great company when you need to cry. It's a sharing of sadness between you and the sky. It's a cleansing. I haven't cried in awhile but not because I haven't felt like it.

    The wedding is making me nervous. I love T. more than any other person in my life. He is the eye in my storm. Somehow he manages to keep me grounded and somehow, everyday, he manages to keep me happy. There is nothing that makes me feel more complete than to make him laugh and to cover him with kisses. He often takes me in his arms and looks into my eyes. He often tells me how much he loves me and sometimes he squeezes me and lifts me up and twirls me around. He takes my hand often. He takes my hand and it surprises me. I once dated a guy who couldn't bear to hold hands. He said it made him feel confined. When T. holds my hand it makes me feel free.

    But, I'm scared.

    I'm scared that there will be a day that I won't be able to find the words to tell T. how much I love him. I'm scared that we will tire of each other. I'm scared that we will fall out of love. I'm more scared that if that happens we will tear each other apart rather than comfort each other. I don't just want happiness I want fulfillment. All relationships are difficult and there are moments when one doesn't necessarily like the other but at the end of the day I want to be content. Never still or idle but content. These days I cannot be content without knowing by nightfall that T. knows how much I adore him.

    These days we stay awake a little longer as T. listens to me babble about my fears. He laughs at me and he holds my hand. Then we'll sleep, silently except for quiet mutters and the occasional snore. I dream of rain.